Headline Punchline

Clooney, Pitt have some fun

2008-08-27T14:11:00.003-05:00

As opposed to any other moment of their lives.

(CNN.)

Longtime Bozo the Clown dead at 83

2008-07-03T22:37:00.002-05:00

As coffin is lowered into his grave, this sound effect to be played.

(CNN.)

Hannah Storm will join ESPN in August

2008-05-13T13:51:00.001-05:00

Now THAT's the Inside Stuff.

(The New York Times.)

Internet failure hits two continents

2008-01-31T13:06:00.000-05:00

But not yours, evidently.

(CNN.)

Kirsten Dunst, Ryan Gosling set for 'Things'

2008-01-22T12:00:00.000-05:00

Tobey Maguire, Rachel McAdams plan revenge with 'Stuff'

(Entertainment Weekly.)

Buckeyes, Tigers get Nintendo Wiis as bowl gifts

2007-12-27T14:56:00.000-05:00

Ohio State immediately opens enrollment to "History of the Nintendo Wii."

(Sports Illustrated.)

NFL Network to show Giants-Pats on NBC, CBS

2007-12-26T21:39:00.001-05:00

Game will be filmed by everyone but Bill Belichick.

(Sports Illustrated.)

AOL to cut 2,000 jobs

2007-10-15T15:06:00.000-05:00

In lieu of pink slips, laid off will suddenly lose Internet connection and be told "Good bye!"

(CNN.)

Justices Decline to Hear Murder Appeal

2007-10-15T15:00:00.000-05:00

Inform O.J. he's already done enough damage.

(The New York Times.)

Mime legend Marcel Marceau dies

2007-09-23T12:22:00.000-05:00

Silent eulogy to recall times he got trapped in clear box and walked down imaginary steps.

(CNN.)

Decades After a Ford Plant Closes, Waste Remains

2007-07-28T15:43:00.000-05:00

EPA says plant contaminated with hundreds of Probes and Pintos.

(The New York Times.)

Levi's sues the pants off of Polo

2007-07-24T19:19:00.000-05:00

Polo mulls sexual assault counter suit.

(CNN.)

Selig Will Watch Bonds Go for Record

2007-07-24T19:05:00.000-05:00

Slugger signs with Aftermath; "desperately" wants collaboration with Clay Aiken.

(The New York Times.)

Improvement in Life Seen in Sub-Saharan Africa

2007-07-24T18:54:00.000-05:00

Crew relieved after captain says he'll stop naming submarines ironically.

(The New York Times.)

102-Year-Old Calif. Woman Hits Hole-in-1

2007-04-08T00:48:00.000-05:00

Brags that it's more impressive than 1-year-old hitting Hole-in-102.

(Associated Press.)

Mayo sparks U.S. junior team past World Select

2007-04-08T00:19:00.000-05:00

World Select asks to speak to manager, insists order was to 'hold the Mayo.'

(Sports Illustrated)

Famous clown gets tiny bike back

2007-04-08T00:10:00.000-05:00

Anonymous clowns still in search of dignity.

Headline courtesy of Elephant Larry's Geoff Haggerty. (CNN.)

Urbina Sentenced to 14 Years in Prison

2007-03-28T15:20:00.000-05:00

Milwaukee Brewers contract with no-trade clause to expire in 2021.

(Associated Press.)

Soccer Star Mia Hamm Welcomes Twin Girls

2007-03-28T15:13:00.000-05:00

While the babies' names have not yet been revealed, baseball star Nomar Garciaparra has been renamed "Chopped Liver."

(People.)

UNC women overcome Latta injury

2007-03-28T01:03:00.000-05:00

But soon must pay Tunza medical bill.

(Sports Illustrated.)

'Punk'd' ending after eight seasons

2007-03-27T13:25:00.000-05:00

Ashton Kutcher still waiting for someone to run out and tell him it's just a prank.

(CNN.)

Report: North Korea Asks Russia to Write Off $8.8B Debt

2007-03-23T08:30:00.000-05:00

Pending approval, snarky headline blogger will ask Sallie Mae for forgiveness of comparable student loans.

(Fox News.)

Airline Moves Dead Body to 1st Class

2007-03-19T12:28:00.000-05:00

Flight attendants then realize alive passenger is Abe Vigoda.

(Associated Press.)

Cate Blanchett joins cast of 'Indy 4'

2007-03-18T15:26:00.000-05:00

Set to wheel around Dr. Jones and his I.V. unit as giant boulder accelerates toward them.

(Entertainment Weekly.)

Halliburton to Move Headquarters to Dubai

2007-03-12T11:46:00.000-05:00

Company had run out of space in Dick Cheney's living room.

(Fox News.)

Man Saves Bulldog With Mouth-to-Snout Resuscitation

2007-03-11T16:54:00.000-05:00

Touchstone Pictures greenlights 'Turner & Hooch' sequel.

(Fox News.)

Georgia Republic Boosts Troop Levels in Iraq to 2,000

2007-03-09T00:13:00.000-05:00

Banana Republic has more troops wearing camoflauge there.

(Fox News.)

Jason Lee to star in Chipmunks movie

2007-03-08T23:07:00.000-05:00

Tentative title: 'My Name Is ALLLLVIIIIN!'

(Entertainment Weekly.)

Comic Book Hero Captain America Dies

2007-03-07T14:02:00.000-05:00

A nation copes with loss... of interest.

(Associated Press.)

Ernest Gallo, 97, Founder of Winery, Dies

2007-03-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

No word on how long the vintage 1909 will ferment.

(The New York Times.)

Looking for the 'Idol' contestant who has 'it'

2007-03-06T14:18:00.000-05:00

'It' meaning talent. (Too easy? Too easy.)

(CNN.)

Bausch & Lomb Recalls 1.5M Bottles of Contact Lens Solution

2007-03-06T13:51:00.001-05:00

Bottles had been mislabeled 'Contact Lens Problem'

(Fox News.)

CIA Steps Up Hunt for Bin Laden

2007-03-06T10:45:00.000-05:00

After awakening from five-year coma, told 2008 elections are fast approaching.

(Fox News.)

In their TV tastes, the rich are different

2007-03-06T10:37:00.000-05:00

But in every other category, they're just like the poor.

(Media Life Magazine.)

Whitaker, Hudson win Image awards

2007-03-06T09:59:00.000-05:00

But enough about the Oscars.

(CNN.)

Patriots interested in dealing for Moss

2007-03-05T15:15:00.000-05:00

Moss interested in dealing for weed.

(Sports Illustrated.)

Nets Add to Their Insecurity Before Long Trip

2007-03-05T15:07:00.000-05:00

Jason Kidd tells teammates they 'look fat' in uniform.

(The New York Times.)

The driverless car: Coming sooner than we thought

2007-03-05T14:52:00.000-05:00

And heading RIGHT FOR US!

(CNN.)

Jockey charged in sex crime

2007-03-05T13:58:00.000-05:00

Victim: 'Neigh means neigh.'

Punchline courtesy of M.R. (ESPN.)

Geico cavemen could star in TV series

2007-03-05T13:47:00.000-05:00

Baby Bob throws temper tantrum.

(CNN.)

John Belushi, 25 years gone

2007-03-05T11:23:00.000-05:00

Jim Belushi, 25 years too many.

(CNN.)